Scars, Church Hurt, and the Path to Healing

Sometimes a scar on a tree comes from the careful hands of a gardener - removing an unhealthy branch to protect the tree or pruning a healthy branch to shape the tree to fit the gardener's plan for it. However, at other times, a scar on a tree is left by careless action or unloving intent.

We all have scars in our lives. And if you don't yet, you will. It's the result of living in a broken and sinful world. But when that scar comes from the church, it often feels more painful. 

When a preacher's words become weapons ruthlessly used to tear you down, when things told in confidence spreads throughout the church, or when disagreements become a personal vendetta -  it cuts deeper.

Why?

Because church is to be a place of mutual encouragement (Heb. 10:24-25), building one another up in the faith (1 Thess. 5:11), and care (Heb. 12:12).

Church Hurt Is Real

Church hurt is real and happens far more than some would like to admit.

The wound can be deeply painful, leaving a scar that may fade but never fully disappear. It is life changing and,  if not properly treated, can move even grounded Christians to take a long break from church.

Not all suffering sanctifies. Some can cause spiritual infection - often in the form of bitterness, anger, jealousy, or even apathy.

Those who dismiss the hesitation people feel about joining another church after being hurt, often fail to consider the emotional turmoil a person or couple has experienced. 

My Experience

I know this pain.

I've experienced it more than once - some cuts harsher than others. Yet through Christ's mercy, I have managed to endure and begun to heal.

Healing is slow. I still catch my mind wanting to dwell on the hurt.

I can't undo what others have done; I can only continue to heal from it. 

The conversation I want to have is not about my hurt -  but my healing.

Choosing The Path Of Healing

I want to encourage you to live in the present while focusing on healing from the past.

Like a tree which has been carelessly cut, none of us can undo the wrong that's been done. However, each of us can choose God's healing care and press on in a way that glorifies Him while still acknowledging the hurt.

What is that way?

As I have considered my own journey, and reflected on the scriptures, this is the path I see.

A Path Toward Healing

1. Distinguish truth from lies.
Hurt causes us to be disillusioned and vulnerable to believing lies from the enemy. Our emotions can distort our perception of what happened. We must process what has happened and separate the truth from lies. God's Word is your compass here.

2. Remember that God's people don't always reflect God.
Don't blame God for something He didn't do.

3. Lament what has happened.
Cry out to God. Share your pain with him, for He cares for you.

4. Remember the goodness of God and the gospel.
Jesus experienced betrayal and opposition from those close to him. He understands your hurt. Furthermore, your identity is not rooted in what others have said or thought about you, but in what God has already declared to be true. 

5. Surround yourself with godly people that you trust and can provide good counsel.
Self-pity and self-loathing happens more often when we are isolated and have only our thoughts to counsel us. We need trusted believers who can speak truth into our lives. 

6. Forgive your offender.
Forgiveness and repentance are both needed for reconciliation, but reconciliation may never happen for your offender may never apologize. Regardless, in your heart there should be a willingness to forgive your offender. This heart attitude releases us from the bondage of resentment, bitterness and anger. A restored relationship will need repentance from the offender and a mutual effort of trust-building.

7. Accept that healing takes time.
Though the wound may fade it may never truly disappear. Don't be discouraged if,  when years later, you still need to guard your heart against bitterness from what happened. 
 
8. Take time - but return to meeting with God's people.

I believe that these points require more attention than just a brief summary, and I plan to expand on them in future posts.  So stay tuned for that! For now, let this encourage you to reflect on your own journey and consider your path toward healing.

Scars may remain - but by God's grace, they do not have to define us.